In Sickness (Parent’s Version)

I have a vivid memory of sitting in a pitch black bathroom in my childhood home. I was somewhere in the blur of elementary ages. A migraine filled up every piece of my vision like static on a screen.

Situated in the center of the house with no windows and only the smallest sliver of light peeking in from under the door, my dad sat with me, whispering, because any sound felt like a fist against the temple.

"God, if you can, take this pain away from her and give it to me," whispered on a dark bathroom floor.

My mom liked to talk about the heart surgery I had as a toddler: how unexpected and difficult it was for them to have to entrust their three-year-old to surgeon hands and machines, but mostly about how stubbornly independent I was in recovery. Or hoe much I tried to be anyways, much to their amusement and annoyance.

The older I got, the more she talked about when they found out the surgery would have to happen "We prayed for God to take it away from you and give it to one of us." That prayer years earlier in a dark bathroom wasn't the first time they'd uttered the words, "take it from her, give it to us."

My baby got sick with a fever for the first time at six weeks old to the day. I've learned that Google is both friend and enemy through pregnancy and postpartum. According to Google, if your baby has a fever before they reach six weeks old, you should take them to the doctor immediately. If they're older than six weeks, they're probably okay unless the fever continues or reaches a certain temperature. But what if she turned 6 weeks old in the morning, and the fever hit after the doctor's office closed for the day, and I'm a first time mom unsure of which category she falls into?

I called the on-call doctor. We talked through what we'd done to try to make her feel better and her symptoms, one of us trying not to let the emotions win and the tears fall.

"It sounds like you're doing everything you can to help her feel better. We'll schedule a checkup for tomorrow just to be safe. It's hard when babies don't feel good. I still remember the first time my oldest got sick, and we wished we could trade places with him. You're doing a good job."

This is the prayer every parent prays watching their baby struggle for the first time. Each time. Every time. Quite possibly forever.

Give me the stuffy nose so she can breathe easy.

Give me the fever so her discomfort eases.

Give me the cough so she can rest.

Give me the discomfort so she can sleep peacefully.

Make my heart weigh heavier if it lessens their heartache.